


Go Fuck Yourself (Only if You Join Me)

by ahomine



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Douchestuck, F/F, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 06:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahomine/pseuds/ahomine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey, where ya going?" John asks, walking alongside you. You take off your wayfarer glasses and use the hem of your shirt to clean them of invisible smudges. "Oh, I see, the cold shoulder," he says when you don't answer. "Playing hard to get, huh, babe?"</p><p>You almost want to bash your head against the wall. </p><p>"I'm not hard to get, I'm impossible to get, meaning, you have no chance with me," you say, placing your glasses back on your nose where it slides down. </p><p>He laughs like it's a joke. "Do you know who I am, though?" </p><p>"I assume you're going to tell me, regardless."</p><p>He ignores your statement, giving you another wink and double pistols. "I'm John Egbert, professional ladykiller at your service! No lady is impossible for me to catch!" He grins. "And that includes you, Dave."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go Fuck Yourself (Only if You Join Me)

**Author's Note:**

> casually inspired by the douchestuck idea on tumblr and the to be candid fic that i gr9ly enjoyed uwu the plot is still to be determined so basically this will be updated whenever i feel like continuing it since i really have no idea how this is going to turn out L O L. ITS PROBABLY GOING TO TURN OUT TO HAVE SHOUJO INFLUENCES WITH YAOI UNDERTONES HAHJAKjahs pairings, rating, and tags will be changed and/or added as necessary. 
> 
> ~*~*~*~ basically it's going to be johndave-centric with maybe a few chapters on how (but not limited to) jake and dirk's relationship is going along in dirk and/or jake's pov. ~*~*~*~

"Hey, babe, nice clothes you got there. It'd look better on my floor, though." Cue the wink and the poor double pistol imitation of a certain asshole that made you want escape the premises as quickly as possible.

You don't, opting to keep your cool façade.

"You're in my personal space," you reply, using your elbow to jab him out of your way, careful to keep the camera in the same spot.

"I wouldn't mind _you_ getting in my personal space."

You've never really cared for people, let alone being around them. With the exception of the few friends you have, you'd rather be alone, taking candid shots of whatever captures your eye at the time. And you'd think by the way you ignore him and how you've rejected him more than you can remember in just this day alone that he would get the hint, but he doesn't and that's been the issue for about twenty minutes now. Instead, he continues blabbing his mouth off, sometimes saying a pick up line that does nothing but repel you further from him ( _god_ , where does he learn them all?).

It renders you incapable of taking any good shots, and it makes you frustrated.

"Go away." You snap a picture of a stray cat peeking out from an alleyway.

"Kiss me."

"I wouldn't kiss an idiot."

"Ouch, that hurts. I'm not an idiot, and the swooning ("Who wouldn't know attractive even if it would hit them in the face," you say, but you're certain he ignored that part for the sake of his ego) men and ladies would beg to differ."

"My bad, you're an asshole."

"You'll come around." And you hate how he says that so arrogantly, like he's certain that you'll fall for him.

You don't answer him and he goes back to chattering your ears away, using more cheesy pickup lines in an attempt to make you fall for him.

This has been the general basis of most of your conversations in the past few months since he set his eye on you and it irks you to no end.

The relentless asshole, otherwise known as John Egbert has been following you around more or less like a lost puppy, except you'd actually prefer to have a lost puppy follow you around because one, they're so much more cuter than Mr. Stubborn over there, and two, they didn't spew pickup lines every five seconds.

You snap a picture of an unaware couple holding hands that walked past you. When you get home today, you decide that you're going to blur out the background and sharpen the photo to focus on the couple. People eat up romantic shit like crazy.

Despite the fact that you prefer to be alone, you think that people made the best subject to take photos of. You still take photos of still objects, but in your opinion, emotions could be portrayed so much better through humans.

After people see how well your work is, you occasionally get requests to take photos and do your magic on them. You refuse them, saying that posing was fake and lifeless, and it didn't mean anything if it wasn't spontaneous; although you would sometimes indulge them if you're in a good mood, taking their picture.

With the finished product, you'd either upload it to Instagram (which just got around four thousand followers last week), or develop it in your makeshit darkroom (that was nowhere near to being called a professional dark room, but at least it does the job) depending if you used film or digital. The ones that aren't uploaded to Instagram, you put most of them in albums and store them in a box underneath your bed. The ones that don't go under your bed go to your friends and family as memories or presents, otherwise they're entered in contests with cash prizes.

Your shots win most of the time, so it's a pretty easy way to earn big cash, but the contests only happen once and a while anyway, so you don't really rely on them to bring money in, but money's never been really much of a problem before, so you don't worry about it too much.

Snapping a picture of the sky for boredom's sake, you decide it's time to pack up and go home. You didn't really feel like taking anymore pictures with John hovering over you. You place your camera in its storage case and sling it over your shoulder, slipping your hand into your pocket to grasp at your phone. The screen flickers on, and you check the time.  **5:37 PM**. It's just a half hour till dinner time, and you wonder if your brother was starting to prepare dinner.

You and your brother took turns preparing dinner, and it was his turn today, but you doubt Dirk remembered since he usually never remembered because he was either too into his computer programs and robots or too into his anime. 

You know there's a nice Chinese place that serves the best Chinese food on your route to home, and since you were already walking towards there, you decide to be nice and buy some since he'd probably feel bad if he forgot, again. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to have Dirk owe you, either. 

**hey do you want chinese**

You shut the screen of your phone off and slide it back into your pocket.

"Hey, where ya going?" John asks, walking alongside you. You take off your wayfarer glasses and use the hem of your shirt to clean them of invisible smudges. "Oh, I see, the cold shoulder," he says when you don't answer. "Playing hard to get, huh, babe?"

You almost want to bash your head against the wall. 

"I'm not hard to get, I'm  _impossible_  to get, meaning, you have no chance with me," you say, placing your glasses back on your nose where it slides down. 

He laughs like it's a joke. "Do you know who I am, though?" 

"I assume you're going to tell me, regardless."

He ignores your statement, giving you another wink and double pistols. "I'm John Egbert, professional ladykiller at your service! No lady is impossible for me to catch!" He grins. "And that includes you, Dave."

Your phone vibrates and it's from Dirk.

**Yeah, sure. Sorry again. Next time, I promise.**

You don't hold him to his promise since you're sure he's going to forget, but you smile anyway.

"You're finally seeing the light, huh?" You snap your phone shut before slipping it back into your pocket, sending John a subtle glare. "It's no surprise, everyone does sooner or later."

"Fuck off."

"As delightful as that sounds, I'd rather fuck you instead."

He winks at you again, and it takes all of your willpower not to shudder then and there.

"Obscene," you mutter under your breath.

John Egbert is an obnoxious douche who thinks the world revolves around him and the only one more doucheir than him is Jake English, and you find that hard to believe.

He decides to stop badgering you with stupid pickup lines and hums a song which you recognize as one of the songs that was overly played on the radio.

Well, not that humming's a step up from flirting, but at least he's not bothering you anymore.

You make your trek to Hungry for Chinese, which was the name of the restaurant. Even if it was a stupid name for Chinese, they still served some banging ass eggrolls.

John didn't bother you the whole way there except for his humming which faded into nothingness when you slid your headphones into your ears, blasting some of your favourite songs. Your phone vibrates again, and it's another text message from Dirk.

**Hey, make sure you bring home some of the fortune cookies.**

**its what i live for**

Your phone stays in your hand as your thumb rubs the screen repeatedly. You turn the corner as the dull neon sign flickers on and off, indicating the store's location. The smell of lo mein wafts out from the store and reaches your nose where you inhale it.

Delicious, as always.

You take a glance at John who's still walking beside you. Your earbud slips out of your ear and you don't make an effort to put it back in.

"Are you going to keep following me?"

He pauses his humming to take your hand in his, and you want to rip it away.

"Yes, because I like you."

Oh, that explains ev—

Wait, what?

"Can you say that again?" you ask as you yank your other earbud out.

"I like you."

**Author's Note:**

> this is shorter than i thought it would be oH WELL also im working on the fourth chapter of all you really have so dont worry aBOUT IT!!!!


End file.
